Over the holidays, my husband and I began the long, sad process of getting a divorce. I spent most of January packing my things (about 80% of which was my art studio), and moved into an apartment about 45 minutes away from my former home. I chose to move, and on the record, the separation was mutual and amicable. That's not to say that I'm not hurt and struggling, and my internet silence has been a direct result of that.
Heartbroken doesn't quite describe it. I've been feeling such mixed emotions that it's hard to lock in on one, and sometimes they come back to back with a completely opposite emotion; I was enjoying the freedom of watching the Olympic figure skating pairs at 2:00 in the morning, until Maxim Trankov embraced Tatiana Volosozhar at the end of their winning performance, and I started crying uncontrollably. "They're so beautiful. That's what I always thought love should look like."
"Learning to Leave", 2014, Digital Painting
A better thing to call it might be grief. This painting is a symbolic interpretation of my current state of mind, and also a literal self-portrait x 3. In it, the first aspect clings to the past and mourns for her loss (and failure to save her relationship). The second is the voice of reason- she's responsible for quieting the grief when she can (in realistic terms, she keeps me from posting horrible things on Facebook when I'm upset), but she's also fragile and sometimes too weak to have any effect. The third aspect is ready to begin anew, though for the time she's stuck behind the other two, waiting for them to finish their grieving process. She exists but lacks an identity of her own yet, so we don't see her face. I thought the flower petals were a nice symbolic nod to both path-making and weddings.
This painting is about as stream-of-consciousness as it gets while still using photo references and obeying (most of) the technical rules of art-making. I started it at 8:00 PM on Valentine's Day, and finished up this morning, taking a day's break in between. Make of it what you will, I just really needed to get this out before moving forward with my artwork and my life.
Detail
So, that's what's going on right now. I'm working on getting back into a healthy, positive groove- slowly it's happening but it will take time, and I thank everyone for their patience with me. Until next time.
*EDIT: I feel embarrassed for not giving a shout-out to all my wonderful friends and family. My life is not ALL doom and gloom- I've had an incredible support network helping me through this. From the bottom of my heart, thank you guys so much. <3
[Prints available in my Print Store]
I am also going through a break up at the moment, a really rough one. This is my first night alone in our old apartment. It feels so f***ing empty. It's good to see you are back in a mood that allows you to create again :) I can really relate to your feelings and this picture. I love it
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that! I can definitely relate on trying to get your work groove back, too- it will come with time. Wishing you the very best during your journey, Thole.
DeleteAM SANDRA FROM UNITED KINGDOM, THANKS TO DR ONIHA WHO HELP ME BRING MY HUSBAND BACK, MY HUSBAND LEFT ME WITH THREE KIDS, FOR ANOTHER YOUNG GIRL, FOR OVER TWO YEARS, I TRIED ALL I COULD TO SETTLED OUR DIFFRENCES, BUT IT YIELDED NO RESULT, I WAS THE ONE TAKING CARE OF THE CHILDREN ALONE, UNTIL ONE DAY, I CAME IN CONTACT WITH SOME ARTICLES ONLINE, CONTAINING HOW DR ONIHA HAS HELP SO MANY LOVERS AND FAMILY REUNION AND REUNIT AGAIN, AND I DECIDED TO CONTACT HIM, AND HE CAST HIS SPELL ON MY HUSBAND, WITHIN FIVE DAYS, MY HUSBAND RAN BACK HOME, AND WAS BEGGING ME AND THE KIDS FOR FORGIVENESS, IN CASE YOU ARE PASSING THROUGH SIMILAR PROBLEMS, AND YOU WANTS TO CONTACT DR ONIHA, YOU CAN REACH HIM VIA HIS CONTACT NUMBER, ON CALL OR WHATSAP +2347089275769 OR EMAIL DRONIHASPELL@YAHOO.COM
DeleteHello everyone here
Deletei want to say a big thank you to DR NOBLE for helping me get back my ex husband after 6 months of breakup. It was like a dream come true when my husband came back asking for a second chance after leaving me and the kids for 6 months without communication. Thank you Dr NOBLE I will forever be grateful. You can contact Dr NOBLE for any spell including spells to heal any sickness and diseases via NOBLESPELLHOME @ gmail. com Or WhatsApp him +234 8129950262
Beautiful Allegory Cynthia. I'm sorry you are going through all this but am glad you are working to make beauty from it. You are an amazing woman and have some wonderful things ahead of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kristina <3
DeleteMay the ashes give rise...
ReplyDelete<3
Indeed, they will.
DeleteI'm so sorry to hear...you are a wonderful, beautiful person, always remember that. And this painting is amazing
ReplyDeleteThank you, Stewart
DeleteCynthia, I am so sorry to hear of your breakup. I too am dealing with something similar. Mine is not quit at the splitting part but none the lest, it seems to be heading that way. I just want to tell you how gorgeous this painting is. I absolutely love it!! You will be just fine. You are a strong independent woman!! {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteStay strong! It's true, things will get better. I believe that 100%.
DeleteHealth and happiness are my wishes to you Cynthia. I was afraid this might be what you were going through. Although I have never been through this you have my prayers and support.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kirk
DeleteSorry to hear that Cynthia, this must have taken a lot of courage to do and share. I wish you the best in what lies ahead. And, this is probably my favorite piece from you! See you around!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jose. I don't know if it came from a place of courage or not- still trying to figure that out, but if it inspires or helps others in some way, I'm very glad for that.
DeleteOh doll I would hug you so hard if I can. I just went through a break up myself but I realized that I am better off without that nutcase. I also appreciate your artist statement. It is SO refreshing to hear from the artist herself explain why she drew her art the way she did instead of being a conceited asshole who tells others, "TRY TO INTERPRET MY WORK FOR DEEP AND HIDDEN MEANINGS!!"
ReplyDeleteAlso.. single life, enjoy it! You gotta let go so you can have something better. You have options, whooooooo
Honestly I've always struggled to write and talk about my work! Pieces like this are hard to experience because they come from a very vulnerable place, but they're much easier to describe. Thanks very much for the compliment, and I will endeavor to make the most of my single life!
DeleteSorry to hear that Cynthia, Break ups are never easy but as a silver lining from experience. You become stronger and discover things about yourself you never realised before as time goes on. I used a diary when I went through a really bad breakup a few years back. it's really therapeutic and helps you get what you're feeling out of your head and on paper so you can deal with it rationally. I wish I could paint as well as you I'd have loved to be able to do something like this back then. Stay strong and make sure you give yourself serious TLC and do the things you love as often as possible at the moment. It's a good time to say it's okay to be selfish :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Craig. A diary sounds like a great, healthy way to express oneself during a separation- whenever I'm feeling upset in the moment I do like to write things out so that I can sleep on it and deal with things fresh in the morning. I might also do that with sketches.
DeleteI'm pretty sure no comments could possibly ease the pain but all i wanted to say is that from personal experience - every ending means a new beginning and sometimes new beginnings can surprise us greatly. We don't really know what's around the corner so all i can say is chin up Cynthia and keep swinging!
ReplyDeleteI shall do my best. Thank you, Sickbrush!
DeleteYou express your grief and the painting explodes with emotion that anyone who has felt that kind of pain can relate. You are a wonderful artist and pouring your feelings into the paintings will give them something no one else has " a profound affect on the viewer". I've been through a great deal life and unable to express it in my paintings. You will get through this and gain something positive.
ReplyDeleteThank you, msalmon
DeleteHello Cynthia,
ReplyDeleteWe do not know each other... I am a friend of Bruce Jensen's. I just wanted to share a couple of quick thoughts. First, the painting is beautiful... truly fabulous. I wish I had the strength to overcome grief and depression with enough grace to create such beauty from pain. Amazing.
Secondly, I can relate well to grief and loss and I know how hard it is to push through it and get to the other side. Seeing this work - this productive burst of creative expression as you deal with everything - I think you are well on your way to healing.
I admire you and love your work, and wish you well.
Steve Vardy
I really appreciate your comments, Steve (and please say hello to Bruce!). I think you're right, that this painting is the beginning of the real healing process. Thank you kindly.
DeleteI live in the world of portrait painters. Our conference comes up in a couple months, and the biggest international competition begins next week. I see the work of people painting themselves every day.
ReplyDeleteThat's the most powerful self portrait I have seen created in a decade.
It's been too long, Ted! This is a very high compliment, thank you so much. I still admire your work, and hope to eventually take one of your oil painting classes. One day! Take care, all the best
DeleteHey Cynthia, yeah, way too long. I can't express how sorry I am to hear about the changes in your life. I'm sending all of my best wishes.
DeleteEverything here is fine. My work pace has diminished, largely for family reasons. I'm completing about a painting every 2 to 3 months now, my slowest pace ever. I've juried a good number of shows recently, including ArtSpace's annual portrait competition, and performed a number of large-group artist critiques at galleries in addition to my usual teaching routine. I'm admiring your extraordinary work of late with a mixture of joy and pride.
And I'm heartsick to learn about your troubles. Your response, producing a magnificent artwork to express your feelings, is the most admirable response I may have ever seen to such turmoil.
Speaking of which, Learning to Leave sparked a small debate between myself and the Portrait Society of America about the breadth of the Society's definition of portraiture. The chairman, Ed Jonas, admired your piece and went to considerable lengths to convince me that the Society's concept of portraiture embraces just such allegorical self-portraits. So I'll renew my pitch to convince you to create full-blown oil paintings for gallery exhibition. Much as I enjoy digital illustration, I'd love to see your work in galleries and museums.
Best wishes!
So now you're single eh
ReplyDelete(=
*sigh*...There's always one. lol
DeleteI am sorry for the pain the made you want to paint it, but the painting is gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Joseph
DeleteI've admired your work for a long time. It must be really hard to be so open on the net about such a personal subject, but it is inspiring and enlightening and brings me so much closer to the piece. Your step-by-step gifs are helpful too.
ReplyDeleteIt is a really beautiful piece.
Thank you very much, Kelley- so glad to hear that it's been inspiring.
DeleteGood luck with everything. As an emotional person I found this advice by Neil Gaiman very useful, and I wish I knew this little pearl of wisdom when I needed it a few years ago. enjoy! www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikAb-NYkseI
ReplyDeleteEmanuele, I adore that speech. I even thought of the words "make good art" like a mantra as I was painting this piece. Thanks for sharing- it's worth watching again and again!
DeleteJust saw this.... thank you for opening up and allowing us to see what is happening in your life. We live in such a connected reality....yet--as cliche as it sounds--often times we are far more lonlier then before social media.
ReplyDeleteAt 38, I still am shocked to see couples having lunch, not talking....faces buried in their phones.
It takes courage to share your art with the world. It takes the courage of a lioness facing down 12 hyenas to share such a deep loss with us....the vast, unwashed masses.
Many people feel shame and are embaressed when a marriage fails. By sharing this chapter in your life, perhaps you have helped many people feel that they are not going through this alone.
Thank you.
Thank you kindly for your comments, Ulysses.
DeleteYou have been on my Facebook friend list for a couple of years now. I always read your posts. But often I don't have time to respond. Firstly you have a Beautiful Talent and it will help you through these dark times. Secondly it will get better. When my wife passed a couple of months ago I thought all was over. Even my imagination was gone. But over time it makes you stronger. This I know from experience. You have my best wishes and happiest thoughts for your future.
ReplyDeleteThis is the first time I'm on your blog. Honestly the only reason I'm here is this image. I saw it on dA and immediately made a connection to my own current state of mind.
ReplyDeleteI've just been through a break-up with my fiancee. We were together for almost seven years. Of those near-seven, we spent six living together. We may not have been officially married (which makes the whole thing much less painful in the long run) but I certainly felt that way.
Few people can understand what this grief (yes, you used the correct word there I think) feels like. It's like you lost a loved one forever. Even if you do see them again, it will never be as it once was and every new person you see them with will be another needle in your heart. I have several good friends in long-term relationships but none of them as long or profoundly deep as ours was. None of them have words to soothe this feeling of emptiness that has taken hold. No amount of 'new love' can mend a broken heart. Only time can do that. Time and perhaps that special someone in your future. :)
I don't really know why I'm confessing my thoughts to complete strangers on the internet, but in a way it's liberating. It takes away part of the weight on my own soul.
We all move on...eventually. We all find that one person we'll love deeply forever. In both our cases this just wasn't 'it'. But I believe, one day, that one person will show up and sweep us off our feet again :)
Please, keep making your wonderful art. Keep striving and moving forward with these masterpieces that have such an impact on our emotions. And thank you for the talk, even if it was one sided. ;)
oh I thought someone you love died after seeing the work, I am glad that it is not the situation. You know, nothing is worse than death of a loved one.
ReplyDeleteIt is really interesting to see how human and vulnerable an artist can be. Sometimes we just admire the perfection of the artwork without thinking how much tension is hidden...
ReplyDeleteA friend posted Heroic Rescue on Facebook a few days ago, which made me want to see more of your work. I was taken by every work in your DeviantArt gallery. The one that has really stuck with me, though, is this one. Hands down, it is the one that moves me most. When I came back to look at it today, I saw your note that it's personal, and that there's this blog post. My heart goes out to you. I've been divorced twice after long marriages, once by my choice, and once by my partner's. I know your pain, and yet I know nothing about your pain. I'm blessed to have this work in my life. I'm so sorry it came from your grief. Sending you love and wishing you peace.
ReplyDeletethis is heartbreaking - thank you for sharing your feelings in this way - it is a breathtaking painting - sterkte with journey
ReplyDeleteWow this painting is so poetic and symbolic. It's incredible. I got your calendar for Christmas. Its nice to see the person behind the painting.
ReplyDeletethis Painting is so emotional and Beautiful!!! Im sorry about your lose. but i think it actually made you stronger and more passionate in the end. through bad comes good
ReplyDeleteLife is good when you have your love ones around you, I am saying this because when i had issues with my lover i never seen life as a good thing but thanks to Dr. AGBAZARA of AGBAZARA TEMPLE, for helping me to cast a spell that brought my lover back to me within the space of 48hours. My husband left me for another woman after 7YEARS of marriage,but Dr.AGBAZARA help me cast a spell that brought him back to me within 48hours. I am not going to tell you more details about myself rather i will only advise those who are having issues in there relationship or marriages to contact Dr.AGBAZARA TEMPLE through these details via;
ReplyDelete( agbazara@gmail.com ) or call him on Whatsapp: +2348104102662
Azakaspelltemple@gmail.com is certainly the best spell caster online and his result is 100% guarantee.. My husband breakup with me and left me to be with another woman, and i wanted him back. I was so frustrated and i could not know what next to do again, I love my husband so much but he was cheating on me with another woman and this makes him break up with me so that he can be able to get married to the other lady and this lady i think use witchcraft on my husband to make him hate me and my kids and this was so critical and uncalled-for, I cry all day and night for God to send me a helper to get back my husband!! I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Azaka can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a love-spell for me, 24 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me so much, Oh My God! i was so happy, and today i am happy with my man again and we are joyfully living together as one big family and i thank the powerful spell caster Dr Azaka, he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr Azaka is best spell caster online who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and your lover is turning you down, or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster Dr Azaka on his email : azakaspelltemple@gmail.com you can also call him or add him on WhatsApp +2349059389105
ReplyDeleteA big thanks to Dr Oselumen i never believe that there still exist a real death spell caster after all this years of disappointment from the enormous spammers on the Internet who go about scamming people, until i was opportune to meet Dr Oselumen a real spell caster, through a close friend called Jennifer who Dr oselumen had helped before, when i contacted him with his email via droselumen@gmail.com i explain how my ex have been giving me problem in my marriage, she never allowed me a moment of peace, and i need to end it by killing her, and i don't want to make use of assassin because it will be risky so i needed to do it in a spiritual way that's why i decided to contact him, he assured me not to worry as i have contacted the right person at the right time, i co-operated with him and in less than a week my ex was dead, she slept and never woke up all thanks to Dr Oselumen indeed he's really a humble man. you can contact dr oselumen for any death spell, such as to kill your superior in the office and take his or her place, death spell to kill your father and inherit his wealth ,death spell to kill anyone who have scammed you in the past ,spell for increase in salaries, spell for promotion at the office, spell to get your ex lover back, if things is not working well in your life then you need to contact him now via Email droselumen@gmail.com call or add him on whatsapp +2348054265852.
ReplyDeleteOnce I started the negative releasing I was feeling that things would never happen for me. My situation was so gone. This was a last ditch effort to save my marriage of 6 years. I had tried so many different spells in the past that this was my last chance! I Contact DR PRINCE IDIALU the great love spell caster for help and I must say, even though I was hesitant at first, I started to see the results within the 3 days! This is AMAZING! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! We are now back together and things are great! I thought I would never be this happy! Contact him for your testimony too via:(princeidialu@outlook.com ) call or WhatsApp +1(504)603-3666
ReplyDeleteGreat chances to have your man back to you with the help of DR ISIKOLO.
ReplyDeleteI am Clara Guzman. my husband left me and our 2 kids for about 10 months i went through a lot of pain i do all i tried eveything to make him return back to me and to the kids but nothing worked out. it was really a stressful period to me because i never wanted to go through the heartbreak. i was told to get a love spell doctor contacted to help me out which i did i was lucky to get DR ISIKOLO Contact who was able to help me out, i contacted him and explained everything to him and complied with his procedures and he did the love reunion spell that brought back my husband to me and to his kids in 2 days. thanks so much DR ISIKOLO I really appreciate what you have done for me. Here is his contact if you may required for it by solving your relationship problems email: isikolosolutionhome@gmail.com You can also Whatsapp him on +1(725)240-4536
How I Got My Husband back... Am so excited to share my testimony of a spell caster who brought my husband back to me. My husband and I have been married for about 6 years now. We were happily married with two kids, a boy and a girl. 3 months ago, I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing someone else. He started coming home late from work, he hardly cared about me or the kids anymore, Sometimes he goes out and doesn't even come back home for about 2-3 days. I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail. I became very worried and needed help. As I was browsing through the Internet one day, I came across a website that suggested that Dr.Odu adebayo can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted(WhatsApp) him and told him my problems and he told me what to do and I did it and he did a spell for me. 48 hours later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promised never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. My family are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr.odu adebayo If you have any problem contact him and I guarantee you that he will help you. He will not disappoint you. you can WhatsApp him(+2347055287754)or Email him at : poweroflovespell@gmail.com.
ReplyDeleteI have personally worked with Dr Ibrahim from SpellWitch and I am glad to see that he is mentioned in this article. he is a wonderful person to work with and the results from his work are breathtaking! Dr Ibrahim puts a lot of effort into detail and makes sure that the spell he casts for his/her client is tailored to their situation and will produce the fastest and most powerful results. thanks you for what you have do for me, my ex husband has finally come begged me i recommend him for any one who is having trouble in their relationship here his email: dribrahimspellcaster@gmail.com or whatsapp number +2349038450264
ReplyDelete“So I’m someone’s mom!” Welcoming our first child, Cecily , at 12:24 p.m. on Tuesday, July 14. We are absolutely head over heels in love with Cecily, and parenthood is already the most insane and beautiful thing in existence, It's made me excited to have a little spitfire of a daughter of my own. I remembered when i found out i was pregnant 3years ago and was about to walk away from the musical. But at eight weeks, i had a miscarriage. i was so unhappy, until i seek help spiritually from Priest Babaka the herbal practitioner, who helps and guide me to get pregnant again, even at the trying times few weeks in April when i battled symptoms of the coronavirus including "a cough that makes it feel like my head is splitting open from the inside out, but luckily, the baby was okay with the Priest help. i am happy to finally be a mother, couples out there that needs help, trying to conceive a baby, contact Priest Babaka on babaka.wolf@gmail.com or Facebook at priest.babaka , you will definitely have a baby to make you a parent. He handle Pregnancy related cases.
ReplyDeleteGet Over Divorce offers invaluable support through its Divorce Care program. This brand understands the emotional turmoil of separation and provides a nurturing community to help individuals heal and thrive post-divorce. Highly recommended for anyone seeking guidance.
ReplyDeleteI met my husband while we were in college. We dated for quite a long time and cohabited and it was all love and bliss while both building our dreams. Things become very awkward when he travelled for a workshop and stayed for 6 months. He changed when he visited and i found out that he was seeing someone else in Ohio and he was serious with her. It broke me because i loved my husband so much and would do anything to have him back to myself alone. I had to reach out to Dr Ilekhojie who helped my aunt in the past and I complied with the instructions he gave me and repaired my marriage. My husband returned last week and i saw a message between him and this lady and he told her to stay away as he wants to focus on our marriage and start having kids. . All thanks to this great Dr Ilekhojie who i met through my aunt. Se his details here if you ever need his help. Email: gethelp05@gmail.com or contact his phone number +2348147400259
ReplyDeleteEverything was really tough on me after my divorce. I was devastated and couldn't even focus on work. I reached out to his friends and family to help us but despite great efforts from them, he did not listen. I was broken as i could not see myself with anybody else as my husband was my first and only love. So i had to seek help from Dr Ilekhojie who was recommended to me by a friend from work. He performed a reconciliation ritual which changed everything completely and it was overwhelming. His words is his bound and he never fails when he promises result. My husband suddenly called and told me that he wants to give our love another chance and it has been 4 months of love and happiness all over again. Don't bother seeking help elsewhere. Contact him now. His email: gethelp05@gmail.com or WhatsApp: +2348147400259
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband to a lady abroad when he went to work in the same region where she lives. I never knew all that happened till a friend of mine sent me photos of both together and it was known to me after then that it was the reason why my husband grew cold towards me and left me behind. My husband was hypnotized I knew everything when I contacted Dr Ilekhojie when I searched for help and found none. He assured me of his return and having our love and happiness restored back which he did and the result started manifesting within 3 days. Now I have my husband back and I can't thank Dr Ilekhojie enough for his honesty and support. Just text him via WhatsApp +2348147400259 or email him via: gethelp05@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI was the last person on earth to accept the fact that spells exist or work not until I was referred to Dr Ilekhojie. He promised to help me reconcile with my partner. I had no other option than to give it a try because 3 months after the divorce, I was demoted at my place of work due to depression and lack of concentration. My life was draining away each day and i was confused on what to do. I was happy and enjoying my work but all of a sudden, i became miserable after the divorce because it was quick and a short process. Only Dr Ilekhojie gave me a way and i am happy i believe him. Just last week here, I was promoted back to my position and I’m here to share my own experience with this man called Dr Ilekhojie. In all situation there’s always a way out. Contact Dr Ilekhojie via TEXT OR WHATSAPP MESSENGER with: +2348147400259 and Email on: gethelp05@gmail.com
ReplyDelete